White women we need to talk…

I used to think that being a feminist meant being loud. Then I started to listen. Feminism is not the same for everyone and one big determining factor is whether or not you’re white. Especially white women. Have I made you uncomfortable? Lean in. On this International Women’s Day, I want every white woman I know or who reads this to stop, look and listen to everything they think they need to have an opinion on.

If you know me, you know I am a staunch supporter of women. Sure, great. However, my life on a macro scale is not difficult because I am a white woman. I am a woman with white skin, I do not practice any religion, I am cisgendered and heterosexual. I own a business that I run as I see fit and can pay myself whatever I think I am worth. I have difficulties in my life but non of them are because I am white. When we speak of privilege this is what is meant by white privilege. It’s not a judgement on how hard your life is. It’s the recognition that none of those hardships are caused by the colour of your skin. White people, I really need you to get this. We all need you to get this.

Some tangible action on the road to getting it:

Tone Policing: Tone policing is the act of dismissing the message because you personally don’t like the delivery. This is not ok and it’s something I see white women do online constantly. There’s even a name for them: Check yourself if you’re being a Becky, Becky! You don’t get to choose how someone discusses years of systemic discrimination or oppression. If they’re mad, let them be mad. If they name call, who gives a fuck? Learn from what they’re saying without making it about how comfortable you are hearing it. If your contribution to a discussion is that it needs to be discussed differently to make you feel better; think about who you’ve centred? Is this a discussion about you? Hell no.  If something makes you uncomfortable, go deeper, shut up and listen, listen, listen.

Yield The Floor: In today’s world, Gender Parity is all the rage. I say that very tongue in cheek. It doesn’t make it unimportant but when you just say gender it implies that any woman will do and that’s not the case. A few years ago I was approached to be on a Women’s Panel that was a weekly segment on a local TV station. We discussed all sorts of topics to do with women that were topical in the world at the time. When I was on the panel there were three panelists. All white women. The other two women were also queer but still white. I care about issues that affect marginalized women greatly and I feel like I can speak my opinions eloquently and I did. The problem is, they don’t matter. Truly, they don’t. What mattered on that panel was visual representation of diverse view points and ideas that reflected real life experience and not just an opinion about someone else’s experience. Why am I discussing issues affecting Muslim women around the world and taking up space and air that should be occupied by a Muslim woman? Muslim girls do not get anything from only seeing white women represented but they do get a lot from seeing Muslim women who look like they do represented. White girls also get a lot from seeing diverse representation because it broadens their view of who is capable of what and breaks down stereotypes. This one didn’t come easy to me or my ego. But by yielding the floor on that panel and actually telling production the reason why, they actively sought a more diverse panel and in turn had better more comprehensive conversations and representation. In every space, on every board and in every boardroom take a look around and see who’s missing. As much as possible make sure everyone is represented at every table even if it means removing yourself. Especially if it means removing yourself.

Stop Sticking Your Head In the Sand: I see and hear lots of my white girlfriends say things like: “Everyone’s so sensitive..”, “I’m just not in to politics…” If you are able to say either of these things it’s because you live a relatively un oppressed life. No one is being sensitive, they’re just not taking your shit anymore. Instead of dismissing people as sensitive; recognize that it’s actually the cracks in white, heteronormative patriarchy that’s making white people the most sensitive of all. It costs nothing to stop using language that people are telling you harms them. Why is it more important to you to tell people they’re sensitive than it is to change your own behaviour or actions? There is no such thing as political correctness. You are either upholding oppression or you are dismantling it through your own thoughts, words and actions. Stop being an asshole. It’s literally that simple.

Put your Money, Time and Action where your Mouth is: I see a lot of performative white activism. Especially online. No one cares what a great ally you are. You’re actually a shitty ally if you keep talking about it. Allyship is action. Continual and constant action. Your Facebook shares and retweets are not enough. You do not get a gold star because your intentions are good. Donate money and time to causes that affect all the intersections of feminism: BIPOC, the disabled community and the LGBTQ community and shut up about it. Pass the megaphone to the left, Becky.

If this made you uncomfortable in any way. Good, read it again.

-K

 

 

I own this bar…

This is not how it was supposed to go. In June of 2017 I nervously and excitedly “retired” from my career as a financial advisor. One month before Cartago opened.The decision to retire was not exactly my choice. My ownership stake in Cartago was such that it violated my contract for outside business activity with Sunlife. This was an annoying development that I hadn’t thought through when I incorporated Cartago. With the project one month to completion, what was I going to do? I had planned to leave Sunlife in February of the following year, not at the end of the month. I was 4 months pregnant and my plan was to stay at Sunlife until I gave birth, take a year of maternity leave then exit the business. Work whenever I wanted as a server in my family’s bar. My fun job. This would leave me free to be a mom (whatever that looked like) pursue other passions and decide what career direction I would take next. Oopsie Whoopsie. I was annoyed but also excited about the unexpected because why not?

Cartago has been in Jordan’s head for 15 years. It’s taken on different incarnations as he honed his craft and his palate. It became clear in January of 2016 when he and I stumbled upon what we call a beer cafe on the island of Koh Tao in Thailand. A small space that creates a great sense of community among people from all over the world and the island if you’re lucky enough to stumble upon it’s off the beaten track location. We spent many a night here while we were on Koh Tao. On one of the nights, Jordan talked about how he had wanted to open a cocktail lounge in previous years. As many of you know, Jordan is one of the OG’s of craft cocktailing in Edmonton. His cocktails are exceptionally elegant and balanced. Simple ingredients that are unpretentious but strikingly delicious; enjoyed and appreciated by novice and seasoned cocktail drinkers alike. He can romance the entire drink from the glass to the oil that comes off the zest of a garnish. By this time though his love of beer had taken over and he was passionate about beer types and craft beer in all its forms both local and international. If he was ever to do a bar it would be something similar to this beer cafe we were sitting in. He had given up bartending for a few years because he felt that in order to have the other things he wanted in life (A wife and family) bartending or bar ownership just wasn’t in the cards. I wasn’t so sure about being a wife or having a family but I was drunk on an obscure and delicious Sri Lankan stout and deliriously in love so I said: “ You should do it. Open up your bar. I will help you open up your bar.”

Every detail of Cartago was conceptualized and agonized over by Jordan so that it would be perfect. For him and for the community. So that it would be exactly what it needed to be. In my opinion he nailed it. His best friend Danny came onboard to help with the project in late 2016 and so it was the three of us. The three amigos. They would run the show and I would just be along for the exciting ride of watching my love live out his dream. Helping here and there as needed. This was how it was supposed to go.
To cut to the quick. Jordan is no longer part of Cartago (Except by proxy as my life partner.) Danny and I operate Cartago together. This is not entirely my story to tell so I will just say that for me it was the worst most heartbreaking decision of my life. I made the decision for my family and the survival of Cartago. There are some days it hurts both of us differently and there are some days it hurts us the same. I am grateful for all the days that we both know I made the right decision however heartbreaking it was and is.
This almost broke us. Rock bottom is a powerful place and as painful as it was on both of us, it turned the tide for him and our family. The road back to us has been hard. We both have some deep wounds that have to heal but with attention, work and love the scar tissue is getting stronger all the time. As an aside, the “hard work” people talk about in relationships is not necessarily the work you do for your partner. It’s the work you do on yourself so you can show up for your partner how they need you. This was my biggest lesson in 2018. I am grateful for a partner who is doing the work and he’s grateful for the same.
The emotions I carried around this last year were so foreign to me that I was a shell of who I know that I am. I operated in a constant state of anxiety. Adrenaline constantly coursing through my veins. I l couldn’t concentrate on anything and I forgot everything. I would avoid opening text messages and emails because I either didn’t know how to deal with them or didn’t want to deal with them. I have unopened messages and emails numbering in the 100’s because I just couldn’t deal. I also certainly didn’t want to initiate conversation that would lead to someone asking me how I was. I had deep shame. I gave away my total autonomy for someone else’s dream. Me, Ms Independent feminist. I thought if anyone knew this they would know what a fraud I was. This is why I have never really “owned” Cartago. I didn’t see it as mine. As messed up as it sounds I felt jealous that Jordan got to look for a job. A new adventure that I craved but was unable to do because I was here holding down the fort on someone else’s dream. I could have sold Cartago and I thought about it many times. I knew though that if I sold it, it would change. It would become something it wasn’t supposed to be and I couldn’t do that to the community and family that we have built here. The most foreign of all emotions though was my constant victimhood. I have never felt like a victim. It’s a very hapless place. I was constantly asking myself and him: Why did he do this to me? Why was this happening to me? Why don’t more people see how bad this is for me? The truth of the matter is; I made every single decision. From the moment I said let’s build it in Thailand, those decisions were mine. No one did this to me. I did this to myself. It has only been in the last couple of months that I have come out of the victimhood fog. The ownership of my own decisions have been extremely powerful in healing some of the trauma of the past year.
I am grateful for a few things that kept my head above water this year. My parents have been steadfast and constant with their love and support. Absent of judgement always. My wonderful friends. I have five friends who know it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. They have loved and supported me closely and from afar. Being there in a panic when I needed them and also understanding that distance and unreturned text messages were sometimes necessary and not personal. I am going to be a better friend this year. They deserve it from me and I miss them. Lastly, my daughter. She sleeps twelve hours a night and eats anything we put in front of her. That may sound trite when I’m talking about gratefulness but I didn’t have patience for anything this year and so I’m grateful that she chose me as her mom, this easy funny baby of mine.I was needed by her and she kept me tethered in some very dark moments. I don’t love being a mom but I love being her mom.
I am a bar owner. I own Cartago. I can confidently and positively say that now. It wasn’t my dream but it has been a dream of a business. That’s not to say anything has been easy. Running a small business especially a restaurant is not for the faint of heart and certainly not easy. But in such a short time we have built a community within a community and I am happy to be part of it and grow it. I am excited to open the deli next door with my best friend Kim and for what the future holds for us and for the community of Forest Heights. This wasn’t my dream but I’m going to make it my dream because it feels right and good now.
Writing this all out has been therapeutic for me. It may also answer some questions that some of you had but were too respectful to ask. I wrote this out because I am leaving this all in 2018. I am setting intentions for 2019 that are light, happy and exciting. More love, more friendship, more healing.

Peace.

City of Champions or whatever

 

It’s a municipal election year in Edmonton and that brings out the best and worst in candidates and incumbents. The best is actually sometimes the worst because as we all know politicians have great track records for keeping promises.

One of the more annoying, humorous, embarrassing issues that has come up in the last couple of years and resurfaced recently is the hotly debated and contested removal of the “City of Champions” signs from the entrances to the city.

The motion to remove them was brought forth by rookie councillor Michael Oshry in his first and only term. (He has announced he will not run again.) He cited that the signs looked dated and didn’t reflect the city.  Other councillors jumped in to say that the slogan itself was dated. As if being a champion is somehow a dated concept. Keep in mind that Oshry voted this year against flying the Metis Nation and Treaty 6 flags at City Hall. Our city is on Treaty 6 and Metis Nation land, we have the second largest municipal indigenous population and we are less than two years out from the conclusion of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission but hey this guy knows what best reflects our city.  The sign debate was resurrected by an impassioned group of individuals steeped in tradition who just gosh darn loved those signs, bless their hearts. The motion to put the signs back up was brought to council again recently by councillor Tony Caterina who was not even present when council voted to remove them but it is an election year and he should probably do something for somebody or something. The latest motion was defeated amid chuckles and eye rolling by councillors.

This council is in favour of pushing the slogans “Make Something Edmonton” and “Edmonton Made.” These better represent who we are as a city and city council has spent a pretty penny rebranding and marketing them so I can see why they push it.

Edmontonian’s ARE making things, opening businesses, creating non-profits, developing unique projects. We were doing these things prior to these slogans and we continue to do them now.  We are doing these things with the help of the ever supportive network that is just naturally Edmonton. Business owners are eager to help other business owners navigate the myriad of red tape and administration that is thrown at entrepreneurs by the city.  Most citizens are genuinely interested in what other Edmontonians are doing and offer help or advice without a second thought. This is a phenomenon that many people who come to Edmonton from other large centres recognize. People aren’t interested in what you’re doing so they know what kind of competition their up against. Everyone is genuinely interested in helping everyone succeed. Except it seems City Council, Management and Administration. The government  has made making something in Edmonton a difficult endeavour. Strange considering our new slogans. You would think that through the course of a rebrand you would look at the policies and procedures that affect what you’re trying to achieve but I guess that part got overlooked.

Someone on twitter recently compared the salary of a politician (specifically municipal) to that of middle management . The conversation was around how many hours they dedicate for the salary they are paid. I have little to no opinion on that but what did strike me is that if this council makes the money of middle management then it is equal to their decision making abilities. They make middle management decisions and lead with little to no actionable vision even after creating a brand and slogan that better reflects Edmonton.

So while this council squabbles over sign removals and slogan relevance; Edmontonian’s build, make and do in spite and despite of them. This is a city of champions who champion Edmonton. We don’t need signs to remind us of that we are living it. What would be nice is a council with the guts to lead and walk their newly minted talk.